Much like the sexy exploits of David Duchovny’s Jake Winters on SHOWTIME’s seminal erotic series Red Shoe Diaries, COVID has left me in solitude with way too much time on my hands, walking the train tracks with nothing to do
but read steamy letters received from my PO Boxrent movies from my local Blockbustermy local Redbox.
Directed by Christopher Nolan
Written by Christopher Nolan
Starring John David Washington, Robert Pattinson, Elizabeth Debicki, & Sir Michael Caine getting a delicious dinner for his extended cameo and reading lines off of his dinner plate
Armed with only one word, Tenet, and fighting for the survival of the entire world, a Protagonist journeys through a twilight world of international espionage on a mission that will unfold in something beyond real time.
Man did I hate Tenet.
Tenet was one of the worst pieces of shit made from a big budget blockbuster director I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing, and I’m astonished and appalled that Christopher Nolan tried to use Tenet as his weapon against “BIG CINEMA” to bring people back to the movie theater in the height of the raging Coronavirus pandemic.
I went to the movies for the first time in a year earlier this month to go see Promising Young Woman, and felt comfortable and safe while following all social distance guidelines. Had I opted to go back to the movies last July while hundreds of thousands were dying and Corona raging to see Christopher Nolan’s latest I would have purposely died after wasting two and a half hours of the pretentious drivel Tenet tried to eek out as a MAJOR MOTION PICTURE THAT MEANS SOMETHING™ CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ©
Why does Nolan hate the idea of just saying there is time travel in his time travel movie? He already did a James Bond movie inside people’s dreams. Just embrace the high concept and go with it. You made three Batman movies about a funnybook vigilante with pointy ears.
SWEAR TO ME!
I’d rather talk about anything else besides this sad, sad movie so let’s rank Christopher Nolan’s movies from worst to best.
JC’s Top Christopher Nolan Films
HI I AM THE MOVIE TENET AND I AM INCREDIBLY DULL, CONFUSING, OVERLY PRETENTIOUS AND MY BLACK LEAD IS ONLY CALLED THE PROTAGONIST WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE MOVIE GETS A NAME. EVEN THE ONE WOMAN IN THE MOVIE GETS A NAME AND NOLAN HATES WOMEN IN MOVIES. GET IT? CUZ HE’S THE PROTAGONIST! GO RISK YOUR LIFE AND WATCH IN IMAX OR YOU HATE MY ART! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HEAR THE DIALOGUE, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE! TIME TRAVEL DOESN’T EXIST, SORT OF. DON’T ASK QUESTIONS! REVERSE HIGHWAY FIGHT WAS COOL THOUGH, RIGHT?
#10. The Following
I haven’t seen The Following since Memento originally came out, so what like twenty years? I have vague memories of the movie but I guarantee you Christopher Nolan’s first major motion picture is still lightyears better than Tenet.
Full Disclosure: I somehow haven’t seen Dunkirk, having missed out on it originally when it was screening in IMAX due to surgery and haven’t felt the need to watch on the small screen. It recently got added to HBO MAX, so I’ll probably check it out soon Still a better movie than Tenet.
While I really enjoyed the exploits of Bad Cop with Good Intentions™ Al Pacino struggling with the perpetual sunlight of Alaska facing off with psychotic killer Robin Williams I will forever remember Insomnia as the most ironic film in movie history when Ruy fell asleep in the theater during a movie called INSOMNIA.
#7. The Dark Knight Rises
Often criticized for his cold filmmaking style The Dark Knight Rises is actually one of Nolan’s most emotional films capping off his Dark Knight trilogy while simultaneously being one of the most ridiculous and stupidest movies made with incredible leaps in logic and story. But the acting, the score, and especially the emotion all sell the overall feel of The Dark Knight Rises and… uh, rises above everything else to become a winning film.
While more of a direct sequel to Batman Begins than The Dark Knight (perhaps because of Heath Ledger’s untimely death?) I would have much rather have had Nolan resurrect Ra’s al Ghul and make the Lazarus Pit a physical thing instead of a metaphorical one, but the score and triumph when Bruce Wayne leaves the pit is still stirring. Alfred and Bruce’s lovely nods to one another in the final reel crackles with emotion despite knowing Batman left his legacy and equipment to John ROBIN Blake (Har Har Har, GET IT? ROBIN WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!), who’s had zero training besides his beat cop status and will most likely die a month into his Batman tenure.
Annie Hathaway as Catwoman rules. And fuck the haters so does Tom Hardy’s Bane.
Despite it’s flaws The Dark Knight Rises is lightyears better than Tenet. But the cracks are there, and they’re starting to show.
#6. Batman Begins
Batman Begins was a great beginning, especially when it needed to wash the stench of the Schumacher Batman off the franchise. Everything Nolan did here he did even better in the sequel, but it was still refreshing to see a good Batman movie after years of shit.
You know what was shit? You got that right… Tenet.
I’ve only seen Interstellar twice. Once in the theater and once at home and while I can’t really pinpoint what I like about the film I still like it 1000 times better than Tenet.
Memento is great. It’s still great all these years later even after THE TWIST has worn off. I remember getting Memento on DVD the moment it came out, dissecting the segments and story woven throughout. I also loved the DVD feature where you could watch the movie in chronological order. Memento is great.
Tenet is not great. Fuck Tenet. I wish Leonard shot Tenet dead after it was revealed that the motion picture Tenet was manipulating Leonard throughout taking advantage of Leonard’s memory loss.
#3. The Prestige
The Prestige slaps. Nolan’s follow up to Batman Begins really got his juices flowing and went full Cocksman flaunting his big ol’ dick all over Hollywood with this amazing flick about warring Magicians. It blew The Illusionist out of the water without breaking a sweat. Scarlett Johansson even nearly overcame Nolan’s penchant for not letting women be characters in his movies, but alas this is 100% Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale’s show.
I remember going to see Inception on opening night and being absolutely floored by the scope and story of Christopher Nolan’s twisty crime story that’s essentially James Bond IN DREAMSSSSSSSSS! That Joseph Gordon-Levitt hallway fight is still mind-blowing all years later.
Did Cobb get out? Did he reunite with his children? It’s left ambiguous but let’s be honest here– that totem definitely stopped spinning. RIGHT? Cobb’s totem was his wedding ring anyway.
#1. The Dark Knight
Was anyone prepared for what Heath Ledger brought to the table as The Crown Prince of Crime? All I can remember from the lead up to The Dark Knight was people comparing Ledger to Jack Nicholson’s Joker even before seeing a second of footage. I went to the IMAX preview of The Dark Knight’s opening scene, waiting in line for over an hour to watch seven minutes of footage. In my opinion totally worth it.
Christopher Nolan is still chasing the high of The Dark Knight. I’ll assume Tenet was his absolute low.
So yeah. Do anything else besides wasting your time on Tenet. I had to watch the film twice to decipher the awful sound mix and wish Kenneth Branagh (oh yeah, KENNETH BRANAGH IS IN THIS FILM) had gotten up, walked over to Christopher Nolan, slapped him in his smug face, and recited some Shakespearean dialogue before storming off the set. I hated this movie and wanted to burn down my local Redbox for pushing this shit onto me.